So Fragile
by ActionAimz
Summary: On his way to Hayes Landing, Jason thinks about his work and Courtney, and why he can't choose.


Type: Short Story/Romance/Drama/Complete  
  
Rating: R  
  
Credits: Song lyrics, in italics, from Fragile by Sting. Some quotes from GH.  
  
Summary: On his way to Hayes Landing, Jason thinks about his work and Courtney, and why he can't choose.  
  
So Fragile  
  
If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one  
Drying in the colour of the evening sun  
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away  
But something in our minds will always stay.  
"Fragile," Sting  
  
"Bad things happen fast but we live through them slow,"  
Jason Morgan  
  
Living Slow  
  
Understand this, Jason Morgan is not like other people.  
  
He doesn't feel fear. His heart beats rapidly when bullets fly, but he doesn't worry about dying. The thought never enters his mind. Fear doesn't lead him, fear doesn't make decisions for him and it will never control him.  
  
He was never a baby, never a teenager. He was not nurtured in a woman's womb nor raised on mother's milk. Jason Morgan entered the world in a man's body, damaged. Born from twisted steel, mangled brains, shattered glass, broken hearts. With no real feelings, just primal instincts. And anger.  
  
*For all those born beneath an angry star  
Lest we forget how fragile we are.*  
  
Searching for his solitude, finding it behind the barrel of a gun. Nurtured on a steady diet of adrenaline. Nerves of steel, holding his weapon with the steadiness of a surgeon that he was supposed to be. Never panicking, never second-guessing, just doing. Finally breathing. There was no more past, not yet a future. Just the here and now.  
  
Finger on the trigger. Focused. Blank stare, ice cold. Pleas for mercy not penetrating. He won't regret it because it's never personal and he doesn't remember regret. He doesn't remember anything.  
  
No, he's never scared. When bullets fly everything makes sense. It's an effortless calm, a symphony of clarity, a stillness like a freeze frame of a movie. And he needs it like air.  
  
He needs *her* like air.  
  
"If you can have a family or the business, but never both, which do you choose? "  
  
Family or the business. He never answered her question. He can't walk away from who he is. And he won't walk away from her. He won't chose, because he doesn't have a choice.  
  
Believe What You Can't See  
  
Believe in love. He can't turn it off or make it go away no matter what and he never will.  
  
He sees her smile, hears her voice, the mere mention of her name and his heart swells. He's with her and the rest of the world disappears. He gets lost in her, surrenders to the sensation of being inside her and in love. It's easy to love Courtney, effortless, and selfish perhaps. Because the price she pays for living with danger is great. And she already has already paid, dearly.  
  
*On and on the rain will fall  
Like tears from a star  
On and on the rain will say  
How fragile we are*  
  
"Maybe it's a good thing that you don't dream about her."  
  
No Jason doesn't dream about his unborn child. He can't. To Courtney, she was a life; the glow in her womb was a baby girl. And he went along with it, the concept of it, trying to imagine what never was -- so he could feel her pain and take it away.  
  
He can imagine what her name might have been. Emily to fulfill a dying request, or Lila. Maybe even Caroline.  
  
It's not hard to picture what she may have looked like - just like her mother no doubt - beautiful smile, slight dimple, vibrant blue eyes. She would be soft, helpless and warm and would cuddle against his chest, like Michael did, begging to be rocked or fed and comforted. Loved.  
  
He can envision her room. Pink this time, not blue, but with the same kind of wallpaper with bears and puffy clouds, lace-rimmed bassinet, stuffed animals strewn about, colorful mobile, cushy toys, a sturdy rocking chair.  
  
Sure he could hear her cry and gurgle. See himself talk baby talk and read bedtime stories. Protect and love her more than anything.  
  
But he can't feel her. No pain of losing her. No involuntary dreams of what should have been. He simply can't mourn for what never was. He can only feel what is.  
  
Because he is not like other people.  
  
History Repeats  
  
"You can keep the blanket for as long as you need to."  
  
He understood why she would want to keep it. He held onto Michael's blanket for awhile, tucked it away as a symbol of purity when he was a father, receiving and giving unconditional love. When he didn't feel damaged and made his own choices.until people made them for him.  
  
Robin. The people who took Michael away. To them he was a cold-blooded, brain-damaged killer. Nothing more, probably less. Certainly not fit to be a father.  
  
Now he denies any feelings of resentment as Michael calls another man Daddy, because Uncle Jason doesn't dwell in the past or think about what could have been.  
  
*Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away.  
But something in our minds will always stay.*  
  
That's the difference between Jason and Sonny. Sonny feels the past. It haunts him and nearly destroyed him. The flash of light on black film that was baby Morgan was not enough to quiet Sonny's demons. He believed that an infant of his own flesh and blood would never breathe his first breath. And he held that belief right to the very moment Morgan entered the world. For a split second too long Sonny let fear control him. Fear pulled the trigger. He couldn't leave the past alone and he suffered the consequences that he had tried so hard to avoid.  
  
*Perhaps this final act was meant  
To clinch a lifetime's argument  
That nothing comes from violence  
And nothing ever could  
For all those born beneath an angry star  
Lest we forget how fragile we are*  
  
Now Sonny can never shoot a gun again. Carly can't wake up. And Courtney can't shake the feeling of dread.  
  
And Jason can't help but carry on. Now was not the time to be careless or to ponder the what ifs. There was no moral to the story for Jason. No drastic measures were needed. No vows needed to be broken.  
  
And she didn't have to leave him.  
  
The Stillness of Time  
  
"Anything can happen at any time. And what matters is who you love and if you showed them and if you told them. And I love you."  
  
There may have been moments when he didn't show her or tell her that he loved her. Each moment spent away from her was agony.  
  
This moment he wants her to pack up and come home. Standing at the doorstep in Hayes' Landing, he wonders if this is her idea of paradise. The door opens and his heart jumps to his throat as if he hadn't seen her for years. He receives her embrace, holding her tight and he suddenly feels like he can breathe again. The words flow freely as he tells her that he loves her. He's been waiting hours to tell her what he couldn't say in Port Charles. He can't turn it off; the love will never go away. He can't imagine a future without loving her, because he loves her now.  
  
"Come home."  
  
"I can't. I don't think you realize how fragile these kids are. Life is fragile Jason."  
  
He moves closer to her, makes her stop moving around the room so she will stand still in time, and not think about homicide stats, or bullets flying, or cars exploding. He wraps his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. She sighs as his lips graze her ear lobe. So close he whispers. "How do you feel now, right now?"  
  
"Happy. That you are here. Because I missed you."  
  
"It's not enough that I am here now?"  
  
"You could have died Jason." She breaks from his embrace, heaving as if she were trying to catch her breath. "I can't even think about it anymore."  
  
"Then don't Courtney. I didn't die. Think about that." He runs his thumb along her cheek and cups her jaw with both hands. He only needs to whisper to her, not yell or get angry. The scratches on her face are still prominent. He hadn't thought about the fact that she could have died in the car crash, because she didn't  
  
"I could have lost you. Jason I want you for a lifetime. I want to grow old with you and maybe have a family."  
  
Jason feels the desperate plea in her voice, her face trembling against his palms as the tears flow. "I'm right here, Courtney." He kisses her tears with lips moving tenderly along her cheeks, across her eyelids, down her neck, noticing his platinum ring shine against her flesh. He tells her he will always love her as he finds her lips. This is real, and reality is better than he can imagine.  
  
Happiness is a Journey Not A Destination  
  
"Just let go and let me make love to you. . .this very moment."  
  
Savoring every second of the journey, he lets minutes turn into hours. He is in another realm, as he explores the lush contours of her body, feeling her flesh respond to his touch. She tastes sweet and ripe like strawberries, succulent as a peach. He is driven to the edge by the melodic timber of her moans. He's inside her and he feels her melt into him, moving beneath him like a rolling wave. Her warmth surrounds him and swallows him whole. He's drowning and the plunge is deep and pure.  
  
*On and on the rain will say  
How fragile we are*  
  
The rain hits the rooftops in steady thumps as they enjoy their own quiet storm.  
  
Courtney laces her fingers in his and the dim light reflects off their platinum bands, surrounding a flash of sapphire. Courtney talks of France and how long and hard they fought to say those vows.  
  
"The first time I kissed you was in rain. Do you remember?"  
  
"Of course I do." He holds her tighter.  
  
"That seems like a lifetime ago, but I think about it every time it rains. And France seems so far away. I wanted for us to be happy like that forever, Jason."  
  
"You make your happiness every second of the day, one moment at a time. You asked if my vows meant anything. They mean everything Courtney. I chose to spend the rest of my life with you, because every second with you is like heaven. And I will do whatever I can to convince you to come home. But right now I'm here and we are together and that's all that matters."  
  
Maybe she will never fully understand him. Maybe she will change her mind about him and never come home. But Jason doesn't think about that, because fleeting moments are fragile, not to be wasted on worrying about what might happen. Right now he wants to just hold her and love her. And he *can* imagine doing *that* forever. 


End file.
